The Banjo Players Must Die, page 9 by Josef Assad
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irect democracy had rotted the political process into a never-ending series of polls concerning what was funny and what was not, and Nobemver clocked in at the high end[This is not about what you find funny, it is about what the simple majority find funny. Does it amuse you? Good. We the majority certainly hope so, because you wouldn't want to offend us by denigrating our collective sense of humor. Good, your hysterical if somewhat nervous laughter is good, it pleases us. Perhaps we shall refrain from considering your horrendous death amusing.]. So did that famous video clip of the quadriplegic slipping on the mango seed in a subway bullet train compartment. The one with the laughing ninja.), for he appeared just then to be seeing some slight measure of progress in his diligent scientific inquiries into the expansion of the capacity of the female hamster's reproductive interfaces.
* * *
"Cecilia, another case of firecrackers please," he asked his lab assistant in polite scientific detachment. Lisa was the latest in a long procession of assistants. She merely indicated with her hand the half full box of firecrackers not 30 centimeters from Dr. Abasiri's right elbow. "Ah, thank you. You're a quick one, eh. Hmm-mumble-yeeees, just a leeeeedel tad further in, and ...Yes. Now, step back please Amanda, if you will be so kind."
Lisa stepped back and looked on in plain disgust. The hamster, like the 56 before it today, had had to be drugged quite heavily before it ceased objecting to having a strange little exploding stick inserted into its private parts. The 43 hamsters remaining had long since abandoned their exercise wheels and were observing in shocked silence, waiting for their turn with a startling lack of enthusiasm. Dr. Abasiri lit the firecracker, put the hamster in a large casserole and clamped the lid down.
He cocked his head at Lisa, grinned, and mouthed something like 'explosive pussy', or at any rate something equivalent on the scale of indecency. There was a muted pop sound