Punch, or the London Charivari, page 1 by Various Authors
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HALT! HE WON'T COME OUT, AND HE WANTS TO LIE DOWN, AND I BELIEVE HE'S GOING TO REAR!"]
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POLITICAL MEETINGS.
A CROWDED, gas-lit, stuffy hall, A prosy speaker, such a duffer, A mob that loves to stamp and bawl, Noise, suffocation--how I suffer!
What is he saying? "Mr. G. Attacks the British Constitution, It therefore--er--er--falls to me To move the first--er--resolution:
"That--er--the Shrimpington-on-Sea United Primrose Habitations Pronounce ('Hear, hear!') these Bills to be Iniquitous (cheers) innovations."
I'll bear this heat and noise no more; My constitution would be weaker. I hurry out, and find, next door, Another meeting and its speaker;
Another crowded, stuffy hall, A frantic shouter, greater duffer, A mob more prone to stamp and bawl, Noise, suffocation still I suffer.
What is he saying? "Mr. G., Despite drink's cursed coalition, Dooms publicans (groans), as should be, On earth, as elsewhere, to perdition!
"I move, the Shrimpington-on-Sea United Bands of Hope, with pleasure, Pronounce the Veto Bill to be A great (cheers), good (shouts), just (roars) measure."
Enough! O frantic fools who rave And call it "Temperance"! This body Would drive me to an early grave; I'll hurry home and get some toddy.
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ADVICE TO A YOUNG PARTY SCRIBE.
YOU may, an it please you, be dull, (For Britons deem dulness "respectable"); Stale flowers of speech you may cull, With meanings now scarcely detectable; You may wallow in saturnine spite, You may flounder in flatulent flummery; Be sombre as poet YOUNG'S "Night," And dry as a Newspaper "Summary"; As rude as a yowling Yahoo, As chill as a volume of CHITTY; But oh, Sir, whatever you do, You must not be witty!
Plod on through the sand-wastes of Fact, Long level of gritty aridity; With pompous conceit make a pact, Be bondsman to bald insipidity; Be slab as a