The Inventions of the Idiot

The Inventions of the Idiot


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The Inventions of the Idiot by John Kendrick Bangs





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The Inventions of the Idiot


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The idiot is the same old idiot, if a trifle worn. As an inventive idiot he is in his element although of all his numerous inventions he complains that none has been realized. Probably there is a deep psychological reason for that for they were all of the "Dreamaline" sort. For a few cents everyone was to be able to be what he wanted to be, the reasoning of the idiot being that " if you feel like a millionaire you are as happy as a millionaire; happier in fact, for you are not even bothered by cutting the coupons." The other members of Mrs. Smithers-Pedagogue's high class home for single gentlemen we can report to be just the same. "Anyone who thinks that discord exists at this table doesn't know what he is talking about. Even the oil and the vinegar mix as the oleaginous appearance of the vinegar in the caster testifies," remarked the Idiot. While the Idiot was endeavoring to promote himself into the Idiot Publishing company they refused to take any stock in him, but when it was rumored that he was willing to be a Consolidated Gas company that was a different matter. "It would be something to turn out an honest gas company," urged the Idiot.

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suicide. It is, in my judgment, the worst crime a man can commit, and I cannot but admire the remarkable discernment evinced by the Fates in making of it its own inevitable capital punishment. A man may commit murder and escape death, but in the commission of suicide he is sure of execution. Just as Virtue is its own reward, so is Suicide its own amercement."

"Been reading the dictionary again?" asked the Poet.

"No, not exactly," said the Idiot, with a smile, "but--it's a kind of joke on me, I suppose--I have just been stuck, to use a polite term, on a book called Roget's Thesaurus, and, if I want to get hold of a new word that will increase my seeming importance to the community, I turn to it. That's where I got 'amercement.' I don't hold that its use in this especial case is beyond cavil--that's another Thesaurian term--but I don't suppose any one here would notice that fact. It goes here, and I shall not use it elsewhere."

"I am interested to know how you ever came to

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